Saxbeat on Lapping in Church:


ML Jones made this suggestion, so I figured what the heck. I grabbed my
favorite lap dancer and made my way to some local churches. All of the
major denominations were closed -- it being a weeknight when I got the
message -- but I found a fundamentalist holy-roller establishment that
had daily weeknight services for the spiritually deprived.

We took a pew in the back. Being a small church, it was kind of dark
there.

The service was just getting under way, and the congregation opened with
a hymn, "Nearer to Lord, to Thee," I believe it was. J****** edged over
in the seat, a little nearer to me, and quitely straddled my lap. Mmmm.
We had to sit really still, so as not to be noticed. The congregation's
attention was locked on the minister, and they paid no attention to us.

Next, were some testimonials. One congregant after another stood up and
described how they had been saved, each stepping up to the front of the
church and imploring for someone to join them and accept the lord into
his or her life. J****** had to ease off me, because all eyes were
sweeping the church, looking for the next lost soul. A few people went
up, and there was much laying on of hands. No longer in my lap, J******
was laying on some hands of her own and I was certainly standing up to
be counted!

The minister read a passage from the Bibl;, coincidentally it was that
Ezekial passage from "Pulp Fiction" about the path of the righteous man.
I don't know much about that, but J******'s motion as she remounted my
lap was pretty righteous. Woo hoo!

There was another hymn, this time, "Amazing Grace," and I sang along as
J******  polished the rock with her own form of amazing grace. "How
sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me." Sing it, brothers and
sisters!

The minister began a sermon, and I've never seen the likes of it. People
were amen-ing and that's-right-father-ing and the next thing I knew,
they were speaking in tongues! I babbled right along with them, as
J******'s motions became more and more intense. She was doing things
with her own tongue that would have had the holiest roller rolling in
horror. Baj kimlet du freh kama liv bugyla vesh!

Like a blues musician, the minister brought things back down to a
simmer, and the congregation slipped back into English for another hymn,
"Bringing in the Sheaves," and J****** began working in earnest to bring
me home, cradled in her sheave. Glory be, brethren (and sistren!), for I
have seen the light!

I slipped my hands around J******'s front as the congregation segued
into "Michael Row the Boat Ashore" and J****** let me row her little man
in the boat right up until the waves were heaving themselves into the
rocky shores of our twisted, lost souls. Hallelujah!

It turns out a soldier who had been stationed in Riyadh, Suadi Arabia,
was in the congregation that night, and as the minister asked us all to
thank God that he had been able to return safely home from his tour of
duty, the congregation broke into "Battle Hymn of the Republic." That
was all J****** and I needed, "Mine eyes have seen the glory..." Ooh,
yeah, I don't need eyes for _this_ glory. As the congregation raised
their voices in glorius crescendo, we joined in with them, singing
louder and louder until we reached the ultimate crescendo, J****** doing
her best to take care of my terrible, swift sword.

By far, it was the best lap dance I've ever had. And a pretty good
service, too. Now I know what they mean by the term "religious ecstasy."

On the way out, they passed around a little red collection basket. I
dropped in a $100.

Thanks for the suggestion, ml jones.

Saxbeat (who is undoubtably going to hell just for thinking this stuff up)