Subject: Midterms at CPU
I have been studying at CP University for several months now, and the
courses are grueling.
ADVANCED LAPPING WITH MISS EDIE:
I was so nervous. (snip of lots of nail biting...)
She says I am "ready for advanced stage shows"...how exciting!
ADVANCED ASSC WITH POP:
Nearly got expelled for revealing top secret information and cheating
on the ODM test. But made up for it on my "Flaming Final". I am so
proud of my Intermediate Flame term paper that I have received
permission to post it.
THE TEST:
Cheap PL lurker e-mails dancer in private all sorts of mindless
dribble. At first dancer is amused by some humorous forwarded
messages, but then PL uses one too many cheezy lines and sticks his
big toe up his butt.
OBJECTIVES:
1. Correctly identify the cheeziest line used by PL,
2. Correctly identify the precise moment when PL's big toe reaches
maximum butt-depth,
3. Without losing composure, successfully flame PL,
4. Demonstrate creative use of language;
a. draw from classical and contemporary Flame Wars,
b. praise Great and Powerful ASSC masters: Pope ALS and DougLee.
***BEGIN TEST***
PART I - E-mail from PL: "Clueless in California."
(Molli: I'll take cheeziest pick-up lines for $1000 Alex.)
(Alex: And the answer is...)
PL: Hi Molli, would you like me to contact my friend who has helped
others with the Playboy process???"
Molli: No thanks, it is bad enough that I am a stripper, but I don't
need it documented and distributed at $4 a copy. When I am
done with this business, I might actually want to do something
with my life. If I do ever model, I would prefer that it be
with my clothes on, thanks anyway though.
PL: Let's just say that I choose not to reveal my feelings to the
public so as not to be placed in an awkward or vulnerable
situation.
(I correctly identify this line as maximum anal-cranial inversion and
proceed immediately to Flame.)
Molli: Wrong, weenie, you are just afraid to face criticism. You are
afraid because you know that the group would tear you apart,
and you can't stand the thought of being wrong about anything.
That attitude is not to be looked up to, that sort of
cowardliness is to be pitied.
Sure the group will most certainly flame the first thing you
write, the group flames every newbie, even me, but it is for
your own good. Anyone who can't handle being flamed has a big
fat stinky ego and thinks their shit smells like roses.
Awkward or vulnerable situation my ass, you are afraid that
DougLee and his merry men will embarrass you, make you look
like a bloody fool, and if that hurts your feelings then you
are truly pathetic, for letting them scare you. As if their
opinions would matter to you anyway? Stand up and say what
you have to say, show a little back bone will ya? And if you
get flamed? SO FUCKING WHAT? Read it, because maybe there will
be something to learn from it. I've been flamed and with good
reason, too. Get over yourself. You are worse than Saxbeat; at
least he has the balls to stand up and take a beating; and
*he* still posts. Geez, you are pathetic.
I have met a lot of men in clubs in the past three years, so
you know I know what the f**k I am talking about. The ASSC
posters are the best group of guys I have ever met in or out
of clubs. They have heart, they have intelligence, and they
have each other to keep their egos in check. Even ALS and
DougLee are not above criticism, they are human, they have
faults just like everyone else, but they have confidence in
themselves and their ideas, and that is why they gain respect.
If you ever want respect from anyone, dancer, ASSC-er, or just
fellow human being in the grocery store you must first get
over yourself and allow yourself to be exposed to "awkward and
vulnerable" situations.
I will not sugar coat my letters to you in the hopes of making
a few more bucks off of you because you are a cheap bastard
when it comes to lapping anyway. But you still stand a chance
at becoming a slightly better human being, so this is my vain
attempt at giving you a clue. You are no better, or worse,
than any other dink in that club or on that newsgroup. You are
exactly who you choose to be.
Think about that...
PART II - PL responds to flame.
Objective: Finish him off (bonus points for obscure references and
jabs below the belt).
PL: Molli, Surprised to read your response to my e-mail.
Molli: Why? Didn't think I was so bold? Did you think I would stand
behind you and, in my best June Cleaver, tell you how right
you are for hiding your feelings from the big boys?
[re: Wrong, weenie, you are just afraid to face criticism.]
PL: I have always chosen to learn from criticism. And have always
been willing to admit that I am wrong in any situation(s) that I
encounter.
Molli: Bullshit, you won't even admit that you are a coward and that
is why you will not post. I am sure you would choose to learn
from criticism, but first you have to expose yourself to it,
weenie.
[re. You are no better, or worse, than any other dink in that
club...]
PL: Never thought that I was better than anyone else,
Molli: You set yourself apart from the ASSC-ers as if you are too
good for them. Or maybe you feel you are not worthy, which
ever the case, you are a regular to that club just like
everyone else.
PL: I am just another 'Joe'.
Molli: I have a very good friend named Joe, he is bold and confident,
and he plays a mean guitar when he is not trading on the Stock
Exchange floor. You are nothing like him.
[re. cheap bastard when it comes to lapping...]
PL: Should of said something earlier, sorry.
Molli: Well, I did, but it sort of went over your head. So, with
nothing to lose I'll get to the point. I did enjoy the back
rub the first night we met...I was having a bad day, but don't
play dumb. You knew what you were doing, and you pushed it as
far as you could. Other Dancers take notes on cheap PL's so
you really ought to change your shtick from dancer to dancer.
If you check with the management you will find that the club
rate is $20 PER SONG minimum. Anyone who tries to get away
with paying less, especially for the kind of mileage you got,
is a cheap bastard and knows it.
Hey, I enjoyed your company, but I also enjoy my income. For
$10 a song I will engage in banal conversation and allow you
to kiss my ass (a past-time you seem awfully fond of) when I
have the time. Otherwise the going rate is $20's in advance
please. Sorry, but business is business.
PL: Thanks for enlightening me.
Molli: Thank me when the light bulb finally turns on, baby.
PL: P.S. did you notice that my messages no longer indicate "High
Priority"?
(*ding* PL's big toe has just reached maximum "big-toe-depth". I'm
sure his butt-depth is muuuuuch deeper.)
Molli: "That's great, kid, don't get cocky."
(BTW, I got an A+, Yipeee!)