crash and burn.

	Some names have been changed. And some comments added for
clarification.

7:29 p.m. 2/16/97
	Oh yeah, forgot to mention, one point, while in bedroom booth,
my head was starting to bang on the booth wall. We moved a bit.
"Twentynine" commented, "don't want to give you a headache." I
jokingly replied, "not tonight honey, I've got a headache." That
cracked her up a lot. She laughs and she giggles as she slides up and
down my body.

10:02 p.m. 2/18/97
	Every time I think of "Twentynine", I start to feel good. The
feel of brushing aside her silky hair from her face to look into her
eyes. The feel of her warmth around my arms. But as soon as I get that
feeling of tenderness, I start to acknowledge that what I experienced
with her was just a fantasy, not real. Just only happens in the
context of a strip club. 
	What happened to me? I guess I had a taste of something I
needed. Something I can never have. Will never have. Just existing in
my fantasies.  So I just spend money fulfilling a fantasy spending
time with a girlfriend.

2:25 a.m. 2/19/97
	Still think of her. Can't sleep. Song in my mind. We sang
together. Her favorite song. When she said it was her favorite song, I
started to sing along. She commented, "oh, you're serenading me." Had
to look up song. Turn on computer. Surf net. Song pounding in my head.
Found it. Soup Dragons - "Divine Thing". Ironic. I'll write down the
lyrics later. Gotta sleep. Conflicting feelings knowing it's just a
fantasy with her but wishful thinking for something more. damn. just
what the fuck am i thinking! can i wait another month to see her
again? just what the fuck happened to me?

6:03 p.m. 2/19/97
	o.k. maybe i had a LITTLE too much chocolate yesterday night.
i'm still at crash mode, though. the whole day i was in a low mood.
	Anyway, the lyrics:

	"Diving Thing"-- Soup Dragons

	You are the one supreme being
	Just dressed to kill
	and fulfill
	just any dream
	And you are the one heart's desire
	All hips and lips
	made to trick
	just any fool

	[Chorus]
	I could have sworn that you were an angel
	'Cause you're a sweet, sweet, sweet, divine thing
	But I should have known that you were the devil
	Dressed like a sweet, sweet, sweet, divine thing...


	You lack the one thing that is devotion
	not always there, in your hair
	in a daze
	Just too wrapped up in
	your own emotion
	your vanity
	will always be
	your greatest thing....

	Chorus

	Diiiiiiiiviiiiiiiine thing,  diiiiiiiiiviiiiiiiine thing.....

[yea, cut and paste]

	Yuh, this kept playing in my mind most of the night
	Yuh, I keep remembering her telling me how sweet I was.

12:06 a.m. 2/24/97
	So, anyway, I'll try to make sure to spend more time w/ other
dancers. Check for new favorites. Check if it was a fluke being w/
"Twentynine". I mean, I wasn't exactly hot for her when I first saw
her. She was just another blonde w/ big tits. It was while my session
w/ "Twentytwo" that I "noticed" "Twentynine" laughing w/ her customer,
watching them walking through VIP booth area. After finished w/
"Twentytwo", went out, searched, saw "Twentynine" and asked her for a
lap. The rest I already wrote. I don't know, but just some sort of
attraction w/ her. And not just physical.  I had more mileage w/
"Twentythree" and I still craved for "Twentynine". Maybe it's the hugs
and kisses. Maybe it's because we chat. Maybe she doesn't seem fake.
Oh o.k., she has silicone enhancements. But looks good on her small
firm body. We both fit well together., with our arms around each
other, hugging tightly. sigh. I miss her. One of the few times I ever
felt so alive. Just her and me. Away from the real world. And that's
why she's so much in my mind. Being with her was an escape. Something
I needed.
	Just a couple more weeks 'till bliss.

12:30 a.m. 2/25/97
	Today, I realized, I was finally over "S". I've forgotten that
yesterday was her birthday. I stopped thinking about her. Out of the
frying pan and into the fire. Went from someone unattainable to
another one definitely unattainable. And I'm excited about seeing
"Twentynine" again.
	Very ridiculous of me for falling for someone whom I paid to
be intimate with me. sheesh.

11:00 p.m. 3/4/97
	i don't know
	just strange
	falling for a stripper
	i don't really know her
	but i enjoy being with her
	felt different than the other lap dances 
	from the other dancers
	felt a bond with her
	don't really know her

7:46 p.m. 3/9/97
	Too much computer related stuff going through my head in the
past couple of weeks. Probably had a logic circuit meltdown and
creative fantasy module took over. Go figure.
	Tonight in a few hours I see "Twentynine". Again, I wonder if
she'll recognize me or remember me. I've had a haircut w/ shorter hair
this time. Eh, probably won't recognize me. Though she has mentioned
admiration for my jacket. Sure. The little asian guy dressed all in
black wearing a black leather motorcycle jacket. Heh.
	So, do I go looking for her, or try out some few other dancers
first. And maybe "Twentythree" if she's there. I don't know though.
Don't want to get myself in the middle of dancer politics. Sheesh.
What the hell am I getting myself into these days? 



mars at wco dot com