From: SubSonic@ptd.net (SubSonic)
Subject: Now playing at the Lap Dance Nat'l Park Cinema...

Attention everyone. The following feature films will be playing at the LDNP 
Octoplex through the end of September:

Theater 1:
   "Mission: Impossible" -- Starring EYE, Laar and Earendil. A cadre of
crack assc agents invade an origami newsgroup, only to discover that their
undercover advance scouts have betrayed them and their commander is
incompetent. One of the great disaster flicks of all time. Contains nudity, foul 
language and scenes of extreme violence, including several frightful paper 
cuts. Not for small children.

Theater 2:
   "The Rock" -- DSaxbeat and ZBone star as an FBI agent and ex-con,
respectively, in this quintessential buddy movie, the first of a three-part series 
about two dudes from LA on a quest for a top-notch polishing job. Includes 
the classic "rock's-eye-view" lapdance scene, hailed by Martin Scorcese as 
"the single most imaginative cinematographic rendering of an orgasm I've 
ever had the privilege to watch." Saxbeat sizzles as the angst-ridden G-man, 
while Bone's performance gives new meaning to the term "hardened 
criminal." "Engorging!" -- Gene Siskel. "Explosive!" -- Roger Ebert. Hard-hitting 
soundtrack includes the monster hits "The CochinoMan Rap," "Ain't Nothin' 
But a Lap Thang" and "Wanker's Paradise."

Theater 3:
   "Stoned Laar" -- Directed by John Sayles. A pensive assc glossarist suffering 
from cannabis poisoning and a propensity for spoonerisms returns to Texas to 
confront the crimes of his father. This powerful rendering of the culture clash 
between the Houston and San Francisco lap dance scenes impressed some 
critics but left others cold. "Director Sayles combines an understated sense of 
disquiet with achingly beautiful scenery in producing a film of almost 
unbearable pathos and depth." -- ALS. "Not worth two tic tacs!" -- BFD. 
Mature themes.

Theater 4:
   "2001: A Space Odyssey" -- Benevolent aliens from a distant galaxy visit 
Earth and leave several mysterious monoliths behind in a Tampa nude club. 
The monoliths confer special powers on the denizens of the club and enable 
them to attain the next level of being. Stanley Kubrick's masterpiece follows 
the evolution of the lap dance patrons from primitive apes -- with only a 
rudimentary knowledge of how to manipulate their own tools -- into 
intergalactic star children. The story climaxes in the classic faux hotel room 
scene, in which the hero, after passing through the Star Gate, receives an 
hallucinogenic (outcall) lap dance that ages him prematurely but ultimately 
facilitates his being reborn as a more advanced life form. With RJ as the 
voice of HAL, the obsessively finicky, computerized smoke detection system.

Theater 5:
   "Cumming Home" -- The second in the series of DSaxbeat/ZBone buddy
films. This is the harrowing but ultimately optimistic story of misfortune, 
redemption and the power of friendship, as Sax nurses his pal back from a 
tragic overseas lapping accident in which he received 48 consecutive 
dances from an overweight stripper during a tour in 'Nam. (A documentary 
biography of the stripper, entitled "Heavy," was never released in this 
country.) Audiences everywhere will cheer Z's slow but steady progress as he 
gradually regains his powers of speech and mobility throughout the course 
of the film. The movie's triumphant final scene, in which Z obtains a scorching 
double lap from a pair of gorgeous 19-year old twins, will bring even the 
toughest men to tears. "Uplifting!" -- Siskel & Ebert. "Uh...hu-huh. Two...uh, 
thumbs up! Hu-huh. Hu-huh." -- Beavis & Butthead.

Theater 6:
   "Escape from LA" -- DSaxbeat and ZBone return in the final and most
violent installment of their buddy trilogy. Unfairly imprisoned on trumped-up 
charges in the City of Angels, our heroes bite, scratch, claw, immolate and 
impale their enemies in order to break free and catch a commuter plane to 
San Francisco, where they unite with the notorious "CPGang," a motley 
collection of so-called freedom fighters (although the government refers to 
them simply as terrorists), and commence an invasion of a sinister, redneck-
infested square dancing newsgroup. This non-stop action/adventure film is 
marred by its sometimes excessive, sadistic violence, including a horrific BF 
scene. Newcomer Molli, however, gives a powerful, loin-stirring performance 
as a conflicted but stern exam proctor.

. . . . . And for children:

Theater 7:
   "The Kat on the Lap Comes Back" -- Delightful adaptation of the well-
known Dr. Suess story, in which a beloved lap dancer/philosopher returns to 
her friends and family at the CP after an unfortunate falling out months 
earlier. Children everywhere have enjoyed this heartwarming story of 
friendship and reconciliation, and submissive male youngsters, in particular, 
have worshipped and adored the Kat for years. A true family film. Special 
showing on Thursdays: "Ren and Stasi"

Theater 8:
   "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" -- Charming and poignant animated 
feature about the travails of a French assc-er deformed by the cumulative 
effect of too many lap dances. Although critics have complained that the 
film is less caustic than the original Victor Hugo novel on which it is based,
this remains a cautionary tale on the dangers of too much of a good thing.

Also in Theater 8, a special children's show on Fridays and Saturdays:
"Butt Fuck Aladdin" 

We hope you will enjoy these films.

Sincerely,
SubSonic (Acting Entertainment Director, LDNP)

Note (this part is serious): This is a new account and I do not yet have
e-mail service. Please post any repsonses to the newsgroup. Thx.

*****

From: vennerbc@cphl.mindspring.com (M. F. Snagger)
Subject: Now playing at the Lap Dance Nat'l Park Cinema...

SubSonic@ptd.net (SubSonic) wrote:

>Attention everyone. The following feature films will be playing at the
>LDNP Octoplex through the end of September:

The above review neglected to mention the following important film 

CLITSPOTTING:
A technicolor, no-holds look at the underground culture of strip
clubs.  Based on the explosive bestseller, "How to Pick Up Exotic
Dancers", this film reveals the high price that strip club addiction
can take on a group of young S.F. urbanites.  The film opens with the
protagonist, BFD, explaining the lure of strip clubs.  "People wonder
why we did it.  But you can hardly describe the pleasure of it.
Although we certainly have tried".  Although the lure of the clubs is
powerful, BFD makes several efforts to reform, including nailing
himself in his room.  Ultimately it is only by watching the fall of
their friend Zach, who was intruded to the clubs by their group, that
he is able to break with the habit., although the length of this
reform attempt is left ambiguous by the film.  This reviewer enjoyed
the film, and enjoyed the magical realistic tone set by the film.  Be
warned though.  This film can be very graphic, and can also be very
disturbing.  There are several scenes of very realistically portrayed
customer damage, which are not for the faint of heart.  All in all,
this film manages to capture both the excitement and heartbreak of a
scene with which few have experienced.

p.s.  ASSC stage names are in the public domain, right?