I'd like to pick the collective brain. You see, I'm worried about my
boy. I've been thinking about what I can do as a responsible father of
the 90's to screen his girlfriends, at least until he gets the hand of
it. Here's what I have so far. Any additions appreciated.

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APPLICATION TO DATE MY SON

Name:
Real Name:
Age:
Current Occupation:
Have you ever been a stripper? Would you like to be? If not, explain
why:

Do you whine?
Are you a compulsive complainer?
Sexually speaking, are you colder than Helsinki in January?
If you answered "yes" to any of the above, he already such a woman in
his life - he calls her "Mom".

Do you think Baywatch is great television?
Do you think Baywatch degrades women by promoting an unattainable
ideal?
Do you find the word "bimbo" personally insulting?
If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you need not go
further.

Have you ever called him "dude"?
Do you, like, say "like" a lot?
Do you say "awesome" a lot?
Do you say "totally" a lot?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, forget it, unless you
would describe him as, like, "a totally awesome dude."

Do you read "Cosmo"? If yes, in not less than a million words, explain
why.

Have you read "The Bid Damn Book of Sheer Manliness"? Why not?

Do you know what a "hood ornament" is? Why not?

Do you know how much Kimono condoms cost? Why not?

Have you had your tubes tied yet? Why not?

Write an essay explaining what "Psycho Bitch Princess" means to you.

Complete the following sentence: "Daddy has a big ______."

In your opinion, what is "mileage"?

Where, and when, is first base?

Check all that apply: Without annoyance or embarrassment, I promise to
[  ] allow him to touch, adjust, fondle, pinch, pull, and scratch
himself. Yes, in public.
[  ] fully support his decision to own a Ferrari before buying you
that cute house in the 'burbs.
[  ] be at his beck and call to offer constructive fashion advice.
[  ] tell him he looks hot even when he dresses himself.
[  ] immediately surrender the remote control upon request.
[  ] wear any lingerie he brings home, no matter how perverse, purely
for his enjoyment.
[  ] perfect your Meg Ryan impersonation, but never fake it.

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What else should be in there?