ASSC Pins and Lapping in Las Vegas

Oh christ, what fucking day is it? Time seems to be skidding out of
control and I'm standing in the damage path. Soon to be roadkill. At 10
am Saturday morning I bought a round trip ticket to LV, leaving at 2 pm.
I had just got come off the night shift and I was slamming back double
espressos like water. Sleep? That's for sissies. Sleep-dep is the dope,
man. Now it's later, I think a week has passed, I keep losing days.

 After a failed attempt at converting a UK salesman(trapped in the seat
next to me)to ASSC I arrive in LV. Not 50 feet from the plane and I'm on
my first pinball machine. I still have my priorities. Saw a guy with a
laptop there, are you ASSC? Oh yea, I guess there _are_ other reasons to
own a computer, must be downloading some porn. So on to secure lodging
at the Sahara and prepare for a night that will live in infamy.

 Cheetahs was nothing like what I expected. Normally I would not even
bother going into a topless club, I'm an all-nude kinda guy. Smoke is
cool, but I could do without the full bar, the sports on TV and the
hypertrophic bouncers telling me where my hands should be. But, hell, I
still have to hand it to Mark. It was a successful endeavor and we had
plenty of little signs with "reserved" written on them. In fact it was a
regular party. A BYOD party with Laps. Cool. I lasted until 5:30 am or
so and then a group of us split for breakfast. Good thing I stayed too,
or I would have missed seeing Teena lap Lydia. Not that they would have
been short of onlookers, but some things you just have to see for
yourself.

 It was ASSCONLV-2 that spawned the concept of BYOD. I can't remember
who coined the term but it was a valid observation. BYOD is the only way
to go. I suspect it's already made the glossary by now. My own
contribution to the ASSC jargon will have to be the PinLap, I.E. getting
Lapped whilst playing pinball. Larry's Villa in LV has Pinball, but not
even LMR or ZBONE would subject me to a lap from one of _those_ dancers.
Hence the BYOD PinLap.

 12 midnight, Sunday, the BYOD PinLap experiment begins. Enter Lydia and
prepare to attack the respectable arcades of this neon city with our
unique brand of hedonistic debauchery. At New York, New York after much
circuitous driving(remind me to rent a car next time)we spotted our
bounty, a Scared Stiff Pball machine in prime condition. This is a great
machine for PinLaps, plenty of highly suggestive quotes using samples of
Elvira's voice, a cheesy horror theme suitable(in this case)to both
lapper and lappee, and a thoughtfully designed play field with very
intuitive shots. 

 The laps were very high mileage, as were the games. YMWV in both cases.
The trick to PinLaps is to always outscore your dancer, this will piss
her off and cause her to heat up the action in an attempt to distract
you and make you drain your balls. Strategic manipulation. The lap time
is also determined by the ball in play, so pinball wizards have a
special advantage here. As far as general grindage, PinLaps appear to be
somewhat limited due to the position of your lap in respect to the
machinery. 005's are possible, but an 003 could prove dangerous. 006's
and 008's are best utilized during the dancers ball, and a stevie wonder
would just be flat-out cheating. But, of course, a good dancer can
improvise and give you a good PinLap despite the compromising
position(especially if she's losing-bad)and Lydia made my first foray
into PinLaps an experience I won't soon forget.

 So here I sit, lost in dreams of other lands where the pins are all
mint and a PinLap goddess brushes up on her game in hopes to show me up
in the next round. Where all the elevators are going up and nothing ever
closes. And I fight the urge to run away to that mystical wonderland
lest I destroy it's beauty.
 
SICK66