From: Boreless@nospam.com (Borly) Subject: ASSC My so called ASSCon LV-3 experience Well, it almost started out pretty good. My plane from SF was two hours late, but I was still only an hour past the LMR "be there or be in hell" deadline of 7:30 pm for the Olympic Garden get together. I grab my rental and I'm on the road a little after 8 pm. I figure since I haven't had anything to eat and there is nothing at OG that I'll just swing into my favorite Vegas fast food chain, In and Out Burger for one of the best, greasiest burgers on the planet and zip over to OG to make a stylish late entrance around 8:30 pm. Everything works to plan and I find myself walking in the OG front door close to my eta. I walk in, pay, look to the left and only wonder why the overflow room hasn't been opened yet. Bad sign I think. I ask the goon at the door about ASSC group and he says he's heard something about it and if they DO come in the overflow room will be opened. He said he had no knowledge of them being there yet. BAD SIGN. At this point I start to think "I could probably be eating at Jim Forte's expense right now" because a cursory walk about the club produced no one wearing a badge, and the couple of inquiries I made turned up losers. I asked the waitress to talk to the others and see if there was any trace of the group, got my first vodka tonic of the night and settled into a lean on the wall by the door wait until hell freezes over stance. There had to be several lurkers there, because I saw others like myself wandering bewildered like deer caught in the headlights of oncoming vehicles. But since I had been unrewarded in my previous attempts to connect with them, I laid low and waited to see if the crowd showed up. At one point, with my pessimistic, "everyone hates me" attitude I thought maybe plans had to be changed at the last minute and LMR didn't even have the decency to send someone over to redirect the forlorn. About twenty minutes into this thing, some guy slinks over to me against the wall and finally asks "are you with a big group here?" Being the paranoid 'whats it to ya' type, I say "maybe". He then asks if the group is ASSC and I say yes. I ask him who he is and he says that he's been lurking for a month or so but had never posted or IRC'd yet. A newbie! We talk for awhile and about 9:15 or so a familiar dancer comes up and assures me the group is coming, but they are running late, since everyone got there late and decided to drink heavily instead of sitting down and eating right away. Anyway, everyone starts to come in slowly, I first spot the mighty Joshman, now the super sensitive Josh2000, come towards me. A small group of us move to the overflow room, and I run into Jim, where I also meet several of the other ASSCer's. Right away there was K-9, fkn, (I had a hard time telling them apart, a comment I'm sure they'll appreciate), Laar, TG, Maz, and a few others who I forget right offhand. There was now a big crowd and Murray or Vito, or Gino, whatever his name was, said they were going to open upstairs just as soon as they could convince the male dancers that there was more money to be made over at Dennys for them that night. At this point it was welcome news because we were huddled close to and blocking the waitresses bar door, and they were getting pretty bitchy. Once I was forcibly pushed into the group, hitting several people, and countless times getting grazed by frustrated waitresses, some who were very audible in their "get the hell out of the way" phrase. Finally, the upstairs was opened and we headed up the stairs. At the top, the surly male dancers were huffing and puffing and looking very hurt. I was afraid one might go postal and start beating on me or something. Upstairs, which I love, quickly filled up. I headed over to be with Josh and a small group, and the others kind of flowed into the dark corner near the upstairs doorway. I believe this is where I met Saibaba (aka His Royal Limpnish), Dyn0, and a few others. After talking awhile, and finally meeting LMR, I headed over to the other side to see who was over there. Most of the smaller crowd had moved over here already, and I met the fab Ms Ginger, ran into Dara, and met Sullivan. I also got to see ZBone, although he was standing there in his usual "I'm way cool" (and I believe it) stance, and I felt like the last thing I wanted to do was bother him with an intro. Besides, he looked scary, more on that later. Well, more drinks and a few ALS snubs later, Dyn0 and I, PL's that we are, let Dara talk us into going downstairs and looking/buying outfit/s with her/Ginger. Hey, I was refusing to get laps, and I had a great time with Dara in SF, so what the hell, let's go. While Dara and Ginger tried stuff on, Dyn0 and I tried to figure out if we were in a stripper costume shop, or new car showroom, since the prices were pretty much the same. I have one word of advice girls, Fredericks. Anyway, after we got the customary 30% off the 800% markup, we shook it off and pitched in to buy. But it was well worth it because, unlike the rest of you losers, we got to see Dara and Ginger (gulp) in those outfits first thing. JPEGs better be soon to follow. Back upstairs, and back into the huddle, where I saw marc and teena, although at the time I had no idea who they were. Anyway, other than Laar whipping it out for Teena (Laar seemed to enjoy this, especially since he did it again the next day at CES) and ALS jerking Edie away and running for the door, nothing more exciting really happened, except for when Ginger started spanking some PL. I did reach my goal of no laps throughout my stay however, a feat none of you expected me to accomplish. Also, for some reason, everyone now thinks I'm a "nice guy"! This is ridiculous, and nothing more than an attempt by Dyn0 to supplant my ranking of #3. Nice try, you loser. I do however, have some obviously legit observations about the whole ASSCon. I want to take this time to point them out, and to say that any resemblence to people or places described herein is purely coincidental. ASSC is made up of fat white guys and skinny asians. Try to find a marketing rep with an idea of how to sell to that demographic group. Bubba is ASIAN! I never would have thought it. He sounded so much like just another fat white guy pervert on IRC. Sullivan looks pretty rigid. No surprise. Was it just me, or did anyone else think ZBone looked like the guy shooting at us running through the jungle during the Tet offensive? Ginger looked even younger and hotter than I had imagined (suckup). Dara bit me everytime she walked by, a new record. Dara is also responsible for my psuedo epiph. Maz, for all looks, seemed like the most normal guy there. Hard to believe he invented the ShowerCam. Honking tattoo was noticibly covered up. Saibaba. I never would have believed that he was just another Bosnian/Yugoslav refugee. No wonder being an asshole is so easy for him. ALS is a lot shorter than I thought. A couple of inches less and we could have just stepped on him. I used to think his #1 rating was a joke. No more. Kid11. Hyperactive 21 year old. No surprise. TallGuy. Yep, he was tall, but semi recluse. JackPozzi. Oops, forgot, the little wuss didn't go. Even with this, he was voted most something or other I think. Dyn0. Another asian guy. Surprise. Also suprised that he wasn't looking forward to kicking my ass. We went drunk driving together later that night. He's also a little more of a PL than I am. Well, this is my ASSCon "I was there" post. I'm happy to say that I made it away alive and although I didn't make it to anything on Saturday night due to the LMR communications breakdown network, I had a lot of fun. I ate way to much, and now I'm back into reality for another year. I'm sorry I didn't get to meet you all, but some of you looked downright scary and/or a little too nerdy, and some just weren't fat enough to be real white guys. What was with that? So until next year, if I make it, I bid you all fond farewell. Yea right. Borly