Who's On Stage?
Ivan P. Daley
12/02/2002
Okay, group, here it is. My first-ever contribution to AFTSD. I humbly
submit it for your entertainment, hoping all the while it fails to
suck.
-----Ivan
WHO'S ON STAGE? (with apologies to Abbott & Costello)
OWNER: Alright, now, whaddya want?
PL: Now look, I'm gonna be a serious PL in this strip club. I wanna
know all the dancers' names. Do you know the girls' names?
OWNER: Oh, sure.
PL: So you go ahead and tell me some of their names.
OWNER: Well, I'll introduce you to the girls. You know sometimes
nowadays they give strippers peculiar names.
PL: You mean funny names.
OWNER: Nicknames, stage names, like Lotta Love.
PL: Her sister Gotta Love -
OWNER: Gotta Love -
PL: And their cousin!
OWNER: Who's that?
PL: Burnin'!
OWNER: Burnin', huh? Now let's see. We have in the club - we have Who's
on stage, What's in the VIP room, I Don't Know's in my lap.
PL: That's what I wanna find out.
OWNER: I say Who's on stage, What's in the VIP room, I Don't Know's in
my lap -
PL: You know the dancers' names?
OWNER: Certainly!
PL: Well, then who's on stage?
OWNER: Yes!
PL: I mean the dancer's name.
OWNER: Who!
PL: The girl on stage!
OWNER: Who!
PL: The stage dancer!
OWNER: Who!
PL: The girl dancing on stage!
OWNER: Who is on stage!
PL: Now, whaddya askin' me for?
OWNER: I'm telling you Who is on stage.
PL: Well, I'm asking YOU who's on stage!
OWNER: That's the girl's name.
PL: That's who's name?
OWNER: Yes.
PL: Well, go ahead and tell me.
OWNER: Who.
PL: The girl on stage.
OWNER: Who!
PL: The stage dancer.
OWNER: Who is on stage!
PL: Have you got a contract with the stage dancer?
OWNER: Absolutely.
PL: Who signs the contract?
OWNER: Well, naturally!
PL: When you pay off the stage dancer every month, who gets the money?
OWNER: Every dollar. Why not? The girl's entitled to it.
PL: Who is?
OWNER: Yes. Sometimes her boyfriend comes down and collects it.
PL: Whose boyfriend?
OWNER: Yes.
PL: All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the girl's name on stage?
OWNER: Oh, no - wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. What is in the
VIP room.
PL: I'm not askin' you who's in the VIP room.
OWNER: Who is on stage.
PL: I don't know.
OWNER: She's in my lap - now we're not talkin' 'bout her.
PL: Now, how did I get in your lap?
OWNER: You mentioned her name!
PL: If I mentioned her name, then who did I say is in your lap?
OWNER: No - Who's on stage.
PL: Never mind the stage - I wanna know what's the girl's name in your
lap.
OWNER: No - What's in the VIP room.
PL: I'm not askin' you who's in the VIP room.
OWNER: Who's on stage.
PL: I don't know.
OWNER: She's in my lap.
PL: Argh!!!!! Would you please stay in your lap and not go off it?
OWNER: What was it you wanted?
PL: Now, who's in your lap?
OWNER: Now, why do you insist on putting Who in my lap?
PL: Why? Who am I putting in there?
OWNER: Yes. But we don't want her there.
PL: What's the girl's name in your lap?
OWNER: What belongs in the VIP room.
PL: I'm not askin' you who's in the VIP room.
OWNER: Who's on stage.
PL: I don't know.
OWNER: MY LAP!
PL: Look, you got a serving staff?
OWNER: Oh, yes!
PL: The bartender's name?
OWNER: Why.
PL: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.
OWNER: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
PL: Alright, then tell me who's tendin' bar.
OWNER: Who is on sta-
PL: STAY OFF THE STAGE! I wanna know what's the bartender's name.
OWNER: What's in the VIP room.
PL: I'm not askin' you who's in the VIP room.
OWNER: Who's on stage.
PL: I don't know. YOUR LAP! The bartender's name?
OWNER: Why.
PL: Because!
OWNER: Oh, she's a waitress.
PL: Look, you got a massage girl in this club?
OWNER: Now, wouldn't this be a fine club without a massage girl?
PL: The massage girl's name.
OWNER: Tomorrow.
PL: You don't wanna tell me today?
OWNER: I'm tellin' you now.
PL: Then go ahead.
OWNER: Tomorrow.
PL: What time?
OWNER: What time what?
PL: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's massaging?
OWNER: Now listen. Who is not massaging. Who is on sta-
PL: I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM, YOU SAY WHO'S ON STAGE! I wanna know what's
the massage girl's name.
OWNER: What's in the VIP room.
PL: I don't know.
OWNER: MY LAP!
PL: You got another PL besides me?
OWNER: Oh, absolutely.
PL: The PL's name.
OWNER: Today.
PL: Today. And Tomorrow's massaging.
OWNER: Now you've got it.
PL: All we've got is a couple of days in the club.
OWNER: Well, I can't help that.
PL: Well, I'm a pretty good PL, too.
OWNER: I know that.
PL: Now suppose that I'm in the mood for heavy tipping. Tomorrow's
massaging me and I get all worked up.
OWNER: Yes.
PL: Tomorrow massages. The massage ends. I wanna tip some more dancers,
so I take some ones out of my wallet, go to the stage, and give 'em to
who?
OWNER: Now, that's the first thing you've said right.
PL: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
OWNER: Well, that's all you have to do.
PL: Is give the tip to the stage dancer.
OWNER: Yes.
PL: Now who's got it?
OWNER: Naturally!
PL: If I give the tip to the stage dancer, somebody's gotta get it.
Now, who's got it?
OWNER: Naturally!
PL: Who's got it?
OWNER: Naturally.
PL: Naturally.
OWNER. Yes.
PL: So I take out the tip and give it to Naturally.
OWNER: NO, NO, NO! You give it to the stage dancer and Who gets it?
PL: Naturally.
OWNER: That's right. There we go.
PL: So I take out the tip and I give it to Naturally.
OWNER: You don't!
PL: I give it to who?
OWNER: Naturally.
PL: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
OWNER: You're not saying it that way.
PL: I said I give the tip to Naturally.
OWNER: You don't - you give the tip to Who?
PL: Naturally.
OWNER: Well, say that.
PL: THAT"S WHAT I'M SAYING! I give the tip to who?
OWNER: Naturally.
PL: Ask me.
OWNER: You give the tip to Who?
PL: Naturally.
OWNER: That's it.
PL: SAME AS YOU! I give the tip to the stage dancer and who gets it?
OWNER: Naturally!
PL: Who has it?
OWNER: Naturally!
PL: SHE BETTER HAVE IT! I give the tip to the stage dancer. Whoever it
is takes it, sticks it in her garter and says, "Thanks, sweetie!"
OWNER: Yes.
PL: Another PL comes in and orders a drink from Because. Why? I don't
know! She's in your lap, and I don't give a darn!
OWNER: What was that?
PL: I said I don't give a darn!
OWNER: Oh, that's our bouncer!