Strip Club
Physics 101 nex2nuthin 12/02/2001 Okay, as a
relative newbie to the posting game on this board--& not yet having received in the
mail my Official ASSC Rule Book, my key to the ASSC executive washroom, or my custom latex
ASSC beanie with propeller attached & the ASSC logo proudly emblazoned on the front
with "Certified PL" silk-screened on the back in 16 custom colors—I gotta
confess that I'm not sure the following is a true by-the-book duly-recognized official
AFTSD contribution, since I originally posted it on the NYC Yahoo board earlier this year,
tho it's never been posted on this one. But since I
usually generate a new idea only once per millennium & am therefore highly unlikely to
come up with another one today, I figured what the hell--give it a shot. I'll leave it to
the distinguished remaining members of the first cadre here to decide whether it Just as
background, this treatise was originally presented during a profound discussion on the
Yahoo board about how to quantify the Various
models had already been floated, as you can see from the quoted comments opening the
piece. Not to blow my own horn (I *much* prefer strippers to do that), but I gotta say I
was the only person to commit the time & energy to doing the necessary historical
research that uncovered how the greatest mind of the last century, who was *way* ahead of
his time (& therefore got plentya head *in* his time) solved this problem when mosta
us weren't even old enuf to suck tit, let alone tip between 'em. Here, then,
straight from the cum-stained original notes of that renowned genius, is a summary of his
solution to a puzzle that has STRIP CLUB
PHYSICS 101 [J-----] That's it!!
Maybe that's the simple equation. Something even simpler than nuthin's e=mc2 kind of
thing. Just add the mileage level and the dancer level together, and the total has to be
at least 15 for it to be worth it. Whaddya think?? [Valjean] I always saw
the satisfaction index to be mileage x caliber or S%=mc...Two other variables that are not
included are time and $. They [Valjean] We are
talking about quantifying a completely subjective event. Of course, quality varies and is
very important...Are you wearing a rubber where a BJ might go down to a 9.5 or does a
rubber not bother you...If you factor in the cost, did you get...that 11 BJ for $50 How would
that affect you satisfaction? I have been trying to factor some of those variables into my
model...I’m sorry to say [K---] On the rating
scale she's a 9...9 x 9.5 = 85.5 just doesn't sound right for this experience. What do you
have to do to get an A in this [Valjean] You’ve
got your math all wrong. [nuthin] Geez, when it
comes to even rudimentary science, you guys are such fucking AMATEURS! NOT AN EXACT
SCIENCE???? Weren't you all REQUIRED to take the basic Introductory Physics 101 in school?
Did you just SKIP the chapter on Strip Club Physics, for chrissake? That's always the
FIRST damn chapter in the textbook--since students never read beyond the first chapter of
physics textbooks, anyway. FIRST OF ALL,
the famous M = c^2/d formula isn't mine, it's EINSTEIN'S! And nobody's gonna dispute the
fact that Einstein was a SECONDLY,
while simple formulas like J-----'s or Valjean's may seem obvious & true--just as
obviously, something both simple & true can't POSSIBLY be any fun! MOST
IMPORTANTLY, Einstein's formula wasn't just made up out of thin air, it was LOGICALLY
DEDUCED! In a single stroke (the MOST a PL will ever get for free in a SC), it replaced
300 years of conventional, accepted Newtonian SC theory & still stands up firmly
today, decades after anything Einstein himself possessed has ceased to stand up at all! (As a side
note, it may be interesting to note that Newton's interest in gravity was sparked NOT by
being plunked by a falling apple, as is commonly thought, but as a result of his long
observation, contemplation & hands-on study of "melons"--if you catch my
drift.) Newton's
"classical" SC Theory was a simple, rather incomplete M = ($/d) + b, where M is
mileage, $ is dollar AMOUNT, d is dancer quality & b is beer. It was the best anybody
had come up with to that time & it seemed to give a fairly good approximation in most
cases, but it failed to either predict or explain several key phenomena, such as why
space, time & maturity always "warp" in the presence of massive mammaries,
or why guys would so adore & miss a SC where they cleaned the bathrooms MAYBE twice a
century, or why any male on earth would watch a show like "Rosie". Newton should
certainly be given credit for recognizing that mileage is always inversely proportional to
feminine beauty & that everything seems a lot more exciting when you're drunk, but his
theory didn't take into account the things Valjean mentioned, like expectation, time &
"sensation". It also led to several exceedingly bizarre conclusions, such as
that under certain special & very rare circumstances, a PL could actually enjoy an
evening at Tens. It was
Einstein's genius to recognize that mileage was a RELATIVISTIC phenomenon, & that
although mileage itself would be the same for any PL under the same conditions, the
INDIVIDUAL factors influencing it could vary from customer to customer, depending on just
how profoudly idiotic one might be. This led him
to reconsider the variables in Newton's equation & to replace them with more dynamic
entities. For example,
Newton defined dancer quality as simply physical beauty, since in his day folks usually
agreed on who was or wasn't a babe, & if there was any question about it, they'd
usually just ask this guy named Ralph. For greater accuracy, Einstein substituted the
concept of dancer RATING, which was rigorously defined by the equation: d = (b/i) x
(e/$*) x (f/t). In this
formula, b (breast size) is divided by i, which stands for a PL's "strip club"
intelligence. Einstein recognized that not only are tits the only criteria used by most
PLs to evaluate babeliciousness, but the evaluation of them depended on the astuteness of
the idiot i = IQ/d* where IQ is
the PLs standard "tested" IQ & d* is his sexual desperation, defined as the
length of time since he's had some kind of Taking myself
as an example: Let's say I'm observing a 36" breast. Give me the benefit of a HUGE
doubt & assume my "tested" IQ is about average, let's say 100. While it
seems like half a lifetime since I've had even a whiff of pussy, I suddenly recall that
almost a month ago I accidentally glanced at the label on an old bottle of Aunt Jemima's
& immediately got hard. Figure 25 days. So dividing 100 by 25, I calculate my
"PL" or "strip club" IQ to be 4, which unfortunately surprises nobody.
I then divide the size 36 pair I'm ogling by 4 & get 9, meaning that under the
conditions prevailing TODAY, I rate ANYTHING with a 3 foot chest (even a fucking rhino) as
a 9. Now we come
to the "expectation" part. This is a sliding scale of 1 to 10, but is in
actuality a constant, since a PL always expects to see only 10s at any club he sets foot
in, even if it's in Paterson. This is divided by $*, which is the dollar amount a PL
estimates will buy him the charms of this 10. It turns out also to be a constant &
also a 10, since every PL in creation believes he can get the world for 10 bucks. 10/10 =
1, which is the second fraction in the formula. Now we factor
in both sensation & time. First of all,
forget Valjean's silly point about condoms, since they're only needed either for
extras--which a true PL NEVER actually gets in a SC, tho strippers promise them to him
CONSTANTLY--or for keeping underwear splooge-free, which PLs don't give a shit about
cause: (1) a true PL doesn't wear underwear in SCs; (2) by the time the average stripper's
done with him, a true PL can't AFFORD underwear; & (3) a true PL routinely splooges in
his pants spontaneously at least a dozen times a day for no apparent reason The key
concept in calculating sensation is FABRIC, something known as far back as the ancient
Greeks, even before there was money, when the going rate in SCs was 3 songs & a hj for
a goat. Why the hell do you think those dudes wore TUNICS, for chrissake? Newton
largely disregarded fabric because: (a) the britches worn in his time were so thick,
tight, stiff & uncomfortable that you usually couldn't even feel if you HAD a dick
& (b) he recognized that even a novice stripper could figure out a way to blast thru 3
light years of solid lead if she thought there might be a dollar on the other side. But Einstein
realized the importance of fabric's contribution to a PL's potential satisfaction, &
defined f as the thickness of the pants Therefore,
calculating dancer rating when a rube like me spots a pair 1 full yard in circumference,
we multiply 9 x 1 x 1 & get a rating of 9, which sounds about right. The other
major adjustment to Newton's formula concerned the role of money. Newton defined this
simply as the total amount spent on a lap dance. Einstein ingeniously recognized that it
was not so much the amount as the RATE at which the bills come flying out of a PL'S
pockets, since giving a large tip at the end of a lap dance gets you nothing except a
sugary "thank you" & a sexless peck on the cheek, after which the stripper
rushes off to the dressing room to regale her laughing co-workers with the hilarious
account of how she conned this hayseed into blowing all his rent money on air, whereas if
he'da pulled out a Jackson or two right at the beginning, she woulda wet his wick a
month's worth to find out how much there was & make sure she got it all. Therefore,
Einstein replaced Newton's static $ term with c, which is defined as the SPEED of cash. And when he
saw the incredible glow (almost as bright as the Sun) emanating from the faces of
"test" dancers as he dangled a single dollar bill in front of them, he knew this
value had to be AT LEAST squared. You may be
wondering why alcohol, which kills brain cells & therefore impedes judgement, isn't
factored into the equation. Einstein Okay, let's
plug in some numbers & see how this works. For the aforementioned dancer rated 9, if
the PL tips at the rate of $3 per However, if
this same PL DOUBLES his rate of expenditure to $6/minute, then 6 squared = 36, divided by
9 = 4 (or as it is commonly expressed, 0.4 Tabu; 1 Tabu = 10 mileage units, since
everybody who ever went to Harmony certainly rates Tabu a 10). This is MUCH better, &
with a 9 stripper usually means at least hand-on-your-upper-thigh & even possibly her
first false promise of a blow job in the CR. Notice how
mileage increases dramatically when you're not so fussy about quality. If you're about as
dumb & desperate as I am, settling for 28" tits at the same speed of cash will up
your mileage to 0.51 Tabu. That's a 25% increase, which means that now she's licking her
lips in aniticipation, your zipper is slowly coming undone & there is absolutely no
question as to how well she waxes her pubes. This—more than on the stunners--is where
you wanna consider stepping on the accelerator. Upping your outlay to $7/minute puts you
at a phenomenol 0.7 Tabu; you're now at the brink of crashing thru the g-string barrier
& her fingers are playing your dick like an accordion. Anything above 0.8 Tabu, break
out the Purell in a hurry. Obviously,
the theory allows other ways to increase mileage wihout going to the poorhouse. At my dumb
& desperate status, a 20" chest will bring you to 0.71 Tabu at only the $6 rate,
but at that point you might wanna double check to make sure you're not really dancing with
a boy. Or you can increase your sexual desperation, thereby reducing your strip club
intelligence to unbelievably moronic levels. Under those conditions, some PLs have shot
rivers of spunk in a night for less than a quarter. Nobody has
ever been known to achieve more than 1.0 Tabu & lived to tell the tale. This makes
sense, since no true PL could ever possibly handle ONE woman like Tabu, let alone a squad
of them. Okay, that's
the theory in a nutshell--& it's straight from the notebooks of the greatest mind of
the last century, so I don't wanna hear any lip about it. And I hope this time all you
bozos out there took notes, cause no way am I gonna run thru all this shit AGAIN! |